Red Sonja

The best performer in this movie has four legs. Sonja's horse is the one thing I'd watch again, and I mean that as an insult to everyone else on screen.

Red Sonja is supposed to be a barbarian. Strong, athletic, the best fighter in the room, somebody you'd bet on against anyone. What we got instead was a skinny girl with no meat on her. I never bought her as the toughest thing in that world for a single frame, and once you don't buy that, there's no movie left to salvage.

The best performer in this movie has four legs.

This is a B movie. Maybe a C. The cast are pretty bad actors across the board, the plot doesn't work, and the music doesn't fit the scenes it's laid over. That last one bugged me more than it should have. You can feel a movie fighting itself when the soundtrack is telling you one thing and the picture is doing another.

I did get a kick out of seeing Phillip Winchester get some work. Good for him. Everybody's gotta eat.

I'll be straight with you: I thought about walking out, and I was sitting on my own couch. That's not a great sign for anybody. The original Red Sonja was bad. This one found a way to be worse, and that takes a certain amount of effort.

Watched it alone, which was probably a mercy for whoever I'd have dragged into it. Nothing stuck with me after. I got up, turned the TV off, and by the next morning the only image I could still call up was the horse.

Would I sit through it again? No chance. Would I recommend it? Only to a very specific type of person, and you know who you are. If you collect swords-and-sorcery cheese and you genuinely don't care whether it's any good, knock yourself out. Everybody else can skip it.

Give the horse a sequel.